WHAT I THINKDuring the divorce mediation process you are being asked to communicate with each other during one of the most challenging situations that either of you will ever be in. As strange as this may sound, pursuing your divorce through the mediation process allows for personal growth and discovery; in yourself and with each other, in a way that most people would not consider. For a parent, consider this next step as a way to develop a new and more authentic relationship with your children. You will have one on one time with your children that you may not have had before. Take the time to nurture this new dynamic. Strive to really listen to your children when you are with them. Do not presume that you have to fix things for them. Most often, your children just want to be heard. So listen to them now that you have this time together. You will learn some extraordinary things. With regard to your own self growth, think about the mediation process as an opportunity to be the person you want to be. I will ask each of you to advocate for yourself where you may not have felt you had a voice in your marriage. Use the voice you want to have. Start to communicate in the way you want to be heard in your new life separate from your spouse. Do your work. Otherwise, it's just a change of location, it's not a new life. And why leave your divorce without having challenged yourself to grow and learn? You will only end up repeating the same behaviors in your future relationships. Instead, learn from each other the ways that you may have sabotaged your relationship. Explore new ways of being that will allow you to find extraordinary love and companionship going forward. |
Give Each Other A Break
Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Actually, give each other a break. You are going through one of the hardest things either of you will have to face in your lifetime. This is the end of your marriage. You are entitled to be sad and mad and emotional and so is your spouse.
Let each other be authentic. It is not always about you and it is not always something you have control over or can fix. The only thing I ask is that you strive to listen to each other and allow each other to go through this experience in your own way.
What Your Kids Already Know
Kids are really smart when it comes to their parents. They pick up on all the subtle dynamics and non-verbal communications that are swirling around them. Be respectful of their intelligence and speak to them honestly about what is going on with your divorce.
You do not have to tell them everything but always be honest. Answer the questions that they ask as completely as you can, but do not offer them information that they are not looking for. When they want to tell you how they feel and express their sadness, you do not have to make it better. Just acknowledge that you hear them. Create the support that they need. Their own pain and loss is theirs to learn to deal with just as you both are learning to address your own.
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